It is a guarantee that whenever it is announced that a popular book is being turned into a movie, white people will get upset. This is partly due to their fear that something they love will be made accessible to more people and thus enjoyed by more people which immediately decreases the amount of joy a white person can feel towards the original property.

Within white culture, your choice of transportation method says a lot about you.  For example a Prius says you care about the Earth, a bicycle shows you REALLY care about the earth, and a bus shows that you are probably not white.  But these three options are not the only viable ways for a white person to get around, they have literally dozens of choices including Volvos, old Mercedes that run on vegetable oil, Subaru Outbacks, and Vespa Scooters. As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter.  And why not?  They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income,  a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse

During the course of a white person’s education they will go through many phases including but not limited to:  “awkward,”  “classic rock,” and “being really into a foreign country.”  Of these phases, there is only one  that all white people are required to go through before they can obtain their  bachelor’s degree.

Often it can be easier to find common ground with a white person by talking to them about something you both hate.  Discussing things you both like might lead to an argument over who likes it more or who liked it first.  Clearly, the safest route is mutual hatred.  When choosing to talk about something that white people hate, it’s best to choose something that will allow white people to make clever comments or at the very least feel better about themselves.  Currently, the easiest way to do that is to ask a white person for their thoughts on people who wear Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is a clothing company that makes a wide range of expensive t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans.  These clothes are notable for their use of elements from classic tattoo design such as skulls, hearts, and dragons.  On the surface, the use of the words “classic” “tattoo” and “t-shirt” would seem like a logical fit for white people, but it is not.  White people hate these clothes unilaterally and it is advised that you merely accept that at face value.  If you were to ask a white person to explain why a regular size dragon logo is ok but one that goes around the neck is not, you would be trapped in a long and fruitless conversation. To put this in proper perspective, Ed Hardy is so hated by white people that it cannot be worn ironically.  This is no small feat.  As it stands, the only other entries in this category are Nazi Uniforms, Ku Klux Klan Robes, and self-tanner.

©2009 Stuart Isett/ www.isett.com “Bonding with their Downward-facing Humans” By: Bethany Lyttle.  New York Times, April 8th, 2009. Overview White people like to make the most of their free time, but many of them discovered that time doing yoga was time away from their dog and time with their dog was time away from yoga.  It was becoming a fairly significant problem.  Thankfully, Doga has been created to allow white people to combine two of their favorite things into one expensive, time consuming activity called Doga or dog yoga. Concerns “Doga runs the risk of trivializing yoga by turning a 2,500-year-old practice into a fad,” said Julie Lawrence, 60, a yoga instructor and studio owner in Portland, Ore.

Television is one of the keys to a white person’s heart. A proper reference to Arrested Development or the lending of a Wire Season on DVD are considered two of the easiest and most cost effective ways of getting a white person to like you. But with both of those shows off the air, their utility is being quickly depleted.

Since all white people consider themselves to be “creative,” they are constantly in need of products and accessories that will allow them to capture their thoughts.  One of the more popular  products in recent years has been the Moleskine notebook. This particular type of notebook is very expensive and was quite popular with writers and artists in the olden days.  Needless to say, these are two properties that are highly coveted in the white community.   In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb to know that white people like anything that old writers and artists liked:  typewriters, journals, suicide, heroin, and trains are just a few examples.

Date Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 7:30 p.m. Location Taper Hall of the Humanities 101 (THH 101) University of Southern California, University Park Campus Los Angeles, CA Map

MINNEAPOLIS, MN Monday, January 26th, 4pm University of Minnesota Bookstore Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Ave.

When someone goes through a stressful experience they usually require some time off to clear their head, regain focus, and recover from the pain and suffering.   Of course, in white culture these experiences are most often defined as finishing high school, making it through three years of college, or working for eleven months straight with only two weeks vacation and every statutory holiday (”they don’t count because I had to spend them with family.”) Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be “accomplishments” many white people view them as burdens.  As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to “take a year off” to travel, volunteer, or work abroad. It is most common for the person taking the year off to use this time to travel ( see Post #19 for reasons why ).   Generally, they will start off with a set amount of money that will use to travel for as long as possible.  This explains why a white person with an $800 backpack will haggle with a poverty-stricken  street vendor about a $2 dollar plate of food.